Exasperated Harry One Shots
by ArielSakura
Summary: A series of one shots where Harry and Draco end up in various fandoms/circumstances due to Draco being ignorant or naive. :D
1. 88 Miles Per Hour

**TITLE: 88 MILES PER HOUR**

FANDOMS: HP and Supernatural

Summary: Draco wants to try something, unfortunately, he steals the wrong car..

* * *

Sam and Dean had just walked out of a secluded factory and back towards where they had parked the Impala, when Dean suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Sammy," he said urgently.

Sam who had been looking at his phone looked back at Dean, "what, Dean?"

"Where's my car?" Sam looked around and saw that Dean was right, the Impala was gone. "SAM! Where's my car?" Dean yelled. Sam was at a loss for words, it had been right here when they had gone into the factory to dispatch a couple of vamps.

Suddenly there was a loud crack and the Impala was once again sitting on the curb, though this time there were two people in the front seat, who were clearly arguing. Dean started forward and then stopped, when there was another crack and the car disappeared again.

"What the hell?! SAMMY! What is going on? What happened to baby?" Dean started hyperventilating.

Sam rushed to Dean's side, "it's okay Dean," he tried to placate his older brother.

"Okay? OKAY?! Baby just appeared and then disappeared! INTO THIN AIR! How is that _okay_ , Sam?" Dean exclaimed.

Sam just looked at Dean his mouth opening with no words coming out, he sure as hell didn't know what was going on. Another crack and the car was back, so where the two men, though this time they were outside the car. The black haired man was currently yelling at the blonde.

"You can't just take someone's car Draco!"

"Why not? I needed it and I was always going to return it, it was more like borrowing really."

"It's still called stealing Dray! And why didn't you just take one of mine? Or the bike for that matter?"

The blonde rolled his eyes, "because I already tried yours and they didn't work! Duh! Potter!"

"Merlin, help me," the dark haired man sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.

Dean was marching over to the two men, machete firmly in hand, "Hey! What do you two think you're doing with my car?"

"Now you've done it Dray," said the black-haired guy, he walked towards Dean and ignoring the machete, stuck his hand out to shake, "hello, my name is Harry, I want to apologise for my cousin, he's a bit thick and he didn't mean to steal your car. I am really sorry about that," he smiled winningly at the angry man.

"Oi! Watch who you're calling thick Potter!" huffed the blonde, who was standing with his arms folded against the car.

Dean ignored the hand, "what did you do to baby?" he demanded.

"There was no baby," the blonde said confused.

"He means the car Draco," Harry shot back over his shoulder, turning back to the dangerous looking muggle he said, "it's okay, he didn't harm it all, he didn't even start it. It's back, no harm no foul?" He asked hopefully.

"No, I saw it appear and then disappear, are you two witches? Or those dick angels?" Dean asked pointing the machete between the two of them, "because I'll warn you now, I just ganked a couple vamps and I have no qualms in doing the same to you."

"Dean," Sam said softly.

"No, Sammy, I want to know what they did to baby!"

"Dammit, Draco!" Harry said spinning around to look at the Slytherin, "you stole a Hunters car!"

"Well how was I supposed to know that?" Draco asked sensibly.

Harry sighed and turned back to the brothers, "look, we aren't witches like you know them, we're natural born. No deals or blood drinking to gain our powers. Draco here, apparated, or teleported, your car, I brought it back. I swear it's fine."

"Of course it's fine!" Draco said indignantly, "I only wanted to go back in time, but I couldn't get it started."

"Excuse me?" Dean asked shaking his head and looking at Draco incredulously.

"Well I had to get it started if I wanted to get up to 88miles per hour." Draco told him reasonably.

Dean and Sam looked at each other, they didn't know what to say. Apparently though this Harry did, "Merlin's balls, Draco! That's a Delorean! Not an Impala! And it was a _movie_!"

"Oh," said Draco, looking at the Impala curiously, "well then what happens when an Impala reaches 88miles per hour?"

Harry groaned and smacked his palm against his forehead.


	2. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

**TITLE: LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE**

FANDOMS: HP and Doctor Who

Summary: Draco has a cold and accidentally apparates himself (and Harry) somewhere that ought to be impossible..

* * *

Harry entered Draco's room with a pot of tea and a highly sought after pepper up potion in his pocket. Harry was still at a loss as to why six apothecaries had been out of the common tonic but there it was. "How are you feeling now Draco?" he asked as he set the teapot on the side table.

"Oh bloody brilliant," the blonde snarked, "though this journal I found from one of our ancestors is quite fascinating, he goes on about this fellow who as far as I can figure must be some sort of metamorphagus."

"Oh?" said Harry uninterestedly, as he placed a hand on Draco's forehead to feel for fever.

"Yes, though he calls himself a… a… a….choo!"

* * *

The Doctor was hurrying around his console when all of a sudden two young men appeared on his floor, "what?" he exclaims, "what? Bu.. what?"

"Doctor?" asked the blonde beside him, "what's happened?"

Harry looked up at the two standing in front of him, "Oh bloody hell Draco, what have you gone and gotten us into now?" he griped at the sick man.

"Me? I didn't do anything Potter!" Draco exclaimed.

"Well obviously you did," Harry bickered back.

"But, but how?" cried the Doctor? "I mean this just isn't possible! I mean, we're travelling!"

Harry frowned up at the tall skinny man and stood, Draco leant up on his elbows, to peer all the better. "I'm Harry," said Harry extending his hand, "sorry to barge in on you like this, if you would kindly tell us where we are I'll just pop us back home."

"I'm the Doctor, this is Rose, and I'm sorry. But I can't do that," the Doctor told them.

"DOCTOR?" cried Draco, scooting away from the man, "Potter, I'm not that ill! Why'd you bring me to one of those Muggle nutters?"

Harry sighed at the dramatics that was Draco, "I _didn't_ Draco! I went out and got you the bloody pepper up like you asked! Had to go to a half a dozen places to get the blasted thing!" he yelled, turning back to the Doctor and Rose he said, "now what do you mean you can't tell us where we are? I don't need exact co-ordinates or anything a general location will do."

"How's outer space then?" asked Rose with a sarcastic smile.

Harry raised an eyebrow in her direction, "sorry?"

"Outer space, inter-dimensional time-travel, you're in a TARDIS," she elaborated.

Harry groaned aloud, "Draaaacooooo…."

"What?" demanded the blonde Slytherin.

"They're Time-Lords! How they bloody hell do you get us into these messes?"

"Actually, it's just me that's the Time-Lord," said the Doctor, "Rose is human, and how do you know about Time-Lords anyway?"

Harry glared at Draco, "apparently an ancestor of ours knew one. Draco here was reading about it."

"I see.. That doesn't explain how you got on my ship."

"I sneezed," Draco replied haughtily.

"You sneezed?" replied the Doctor and Rose at the same time with an almost identical look of incredulation on their faces. "But that's impossible!" cried the Doctor.

Harry smiled, "oh I don't know, I like impossible."

"Oh I like that, can I use that?" said the Doctor.

"Doctor," reprimanded Rose.

"Anyway somehow Draco managed to apparate us aboard your ship. If you wouldn't mind landing us back on Earth, preferably as close to the time we came from as possible. We can be on our way."

"You're wizards! Oh that's marvellous! And well, that _might_ be a little difficult," said the Doctor, "you see, we're currently locked on a course to Barcelona, a fantastic planet, do you know the dogs there have no noses?" Rose smiled at the Doctor, "you're welcome to come along if you like."

Draco perked up immediately, "that sounds like fun! Well, Harry? Have you got my pepper –up?"

Harry searched his pocket and tossed the phial to Draco, "we're better off getting home Draco, we have that meeting with the Wizengamot tomorrow."

"Oh come on, Potter. You heard them, time-travel. We'll be home in time and we'll have a little holiday! Merlin knows you need to lighten up."

Harry huffed, but reluctantly agreed.

* * *

Harry, Draco, the Doctor and Rose were running flat out. Harry and Draco shooting stunners over their shoulders as they went, "have a holiday! He said, it'll be fun! He said! They can't smell anything! He said! This is the last bloody time I listen to you Draco!" Harry growled at his cousin as they tried to outrun the giant slobbering beasts behind them.

Draco panted for a bit, "you'll be right, the ships just there Potter, we can outrun the bastards."

"We wouldn't have to outrun them if you hadn't provoked them! Haven't you heard the saying let sleeping dogs lie?!"


	3. Scream for Ice Cream

**TITLE: SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM**

FANDOMS: HP and Muggle sayings =D

Summary: Draco's ignorance of the muggle world causes Harry to hurt his head.

* * *

Harry and Hermione had finally convinced Draco and Ron to come out and try a muggle restaurant with them. They had so far enjoyed all their courses and were just pushing their last plate away. "See?" said Harry, "that wasn't so bad was it?" He asked his snooty pureblood cousin.

"No, it wasn't, it was actually quite delicious," replied Draco with enthusiasm, "I can't wait for desert." He then opened his mouth wide and let out a blood curdling scream. Harry, Ron and Hermione all jumped out of their seats and started looking around frantically.

"What is it Draco?" Harry demanded anxiously, "what's wrong?"

"Wrong? Asked Draco puzzled, "what do you mean? I was just signalling I wanted ice-cream."

They all looked at Draco in confusion, "what?" asked Hermione, if anyone else had asked it you would have said they'd asked stupidly, but this was Hermine we're talking about.

"Ice-cream," stated Draco, "you know, that song you were singing with Teddy the other day? I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice-cream?"

Harry groaned and sinking into his chair he started banging his head on the table. Hermione tried to hold back a snigger as she too sat down. "Oh," responded Ron, "is that what you do? Right then," and he too bellowed at the top of his lungs.

Harry bust out laughing at the mortified expression on Hermione's face, "see?" he cried, "see what I have to put up with?"


	4. The Black Mausoleum

**TITLE: THE BLACK MAUSOLEUM**

FANDOMS: HP and Buffy the Vampyre Slayer

Summary: Harry and Draco go to Sunnydale to track down some family history, of course, Draco gets into a spot of trouble with the resident Slayer.

* * *

Harry was muttering about the choice things he would do to Draco as he stumbled through a _bloody_ graveyard of all places. Draco had somehow convinced him that they should go to America and locate the Black Crypt over there. Apparently a branch of the infamous family had made their way to the free land and Draco had been researching their family history quite extensively lately. He had decided it had warranted an international portkey trip and a week later he and Harry had found their way to a town called Sunnydale.

"Well it's not bloody sunny _now_ is it Draco? No it's _bloody well_ nearly _midnight."_ Harry started to mimic Draco in a very unflattering way, _"_ Oh come on Harry. You're not afraid of the _dark_ are you Harry? It'll will add to the _ambience_ Harry. I'll bloody well _ambience_ you Draco." Harry grumbled knowing full well he made no sense whatsoever, but feeling justified in his vindictiveness. They'd split up to find the crypt quicker and Harry had just made his way past _another_ row of headstones, 'really' he thought, 'they sure have a lot of cemeteries for a town that hadn't been around very long', when he heard a high-pitched girlish scream that Draco would later deny until his dying day, ever came from him. "Draco," Harry whispered aloud and twisted the Head of House ring that would take him instantly to Draco's side.

Harry arrived a few feet from Draco and a blonde woman who had a stake buried in the wall next to Draco's face. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing woman?!" cried Draco, "Merlin, Mordred and Morgana! I'm not a vampire!"

"Sorry" replied the blonde girl cheerfully, "you just reminded me of someone I know who _is_ a vampire. How do you know about vampires anyway? No-one believes in vampires."

Draco just scowled at the bubbly girl, "who in Merlins name do you think you are? You can't just go around attacking people!" he yelled as he rubbed his chest. Harry decided it was probably time to step in.

"Uh, hello, is everything all right?" he asked as he moved to stand next to Draco.

"No, Harry, no everything is not alright, this, this.. _lunatic_ just tried to stake me!"

"Really?" asked Harry putting on an air of excitement, turning to the woman he said, "you would have saved me a lot of grief if you followed through."

Harry winced at the backhand Draco landed on his arm, "not _funny_ Potter!" though the blonde giggled.

"I'm Lord Harry Potter-Black, by the way, the ponce here, is Draco Black." Harry said as he held his hand out to the girl.

She extended her own and Harry brought it to his lips as she said, "I'm Buffy, Buffy Summers."

Just then they heard a cry of "SLAYER!" as three demons attacked. The girl spun around into a defensive crouch and seemed prepared to take on the creatures. Harry's wand had already dropped into his hand and he shot a couple of spells at the demons. They dropped as soon as the green light hit their bodies. Buffy turned back around to see Draco leaning casually on the wall and Harry fiddling anxiously with his wand.

"Uh.. what was that?" she asked.

"Killing curse," Draco replied nonchalantly.

"Uh huh," replied Buffy clearly having trouble believing them, she went over to the demons and prodded their bodies with her toe.

"So you're The Slayer?" asked Harry as he walked over to the petite girl.

She looked up at him through her long golden locks, "yep, that's me, girl who hangs out a lot in cemeteries and you are?"

"Wizards," replied Harry with a shrug, "do you, er, do you want me to get rid of these guys?"

She looked at him with a little excitement, "like with magic? You can do that?" Harry nodded and with a wave of his wand the bodies vanished. "You know, I think I kind of love you." Buffy said with a smile as she looked at the now bare ground.

Harry blushed and raked a hand through his hair.

"Oh Merlin," sighed Draco.

* * *

Reviews? Please? :D


	5. The Blue Button

**TTILE: THE BLUE BUTTON**

FANDOMS: HP and The Walking Dead

Summary: Draco stole (ahem, borrowed) something from the Doctor and lands himself and Harry in a parallel world.

* * *

Harry walked into the room Draco used as a study in Grimmauld Place, to find Draco hunched over a peculiar metal object. "What have you got there Draco?" he asked as he perched on the edge of the desk.

"Oh, nothing important really," Draco replied with his tongue between his teeth as he carefully twisted a screwdriver.

"Doesn't look like nothing," Harry said as he watched the casing come together.

Draco smirked in accomplishment when it snicked into place, "it _was_ a broken parallel world manipulator."

"What do you mean was?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"I fixed it of course!" Draco said triumphantly, "I am rather good at fixing things, I fixed the vanishing cabinet in sixth year remember?"

"Yes, because you were going to use it to let a bunch of Death Eaters into the school," Harry reminded him.

"Key word there Potter, _were_ , I didn't do it did I?"

"No you didn't, you had a change of heart when you heard Greybeck was going to come along."

Draco shuddered, "really that man was a menace to society, at least it made me realise just how bad the Dark Lord was. He was going to set a vicious werewolf on children!"

Harry nodded with a frown, "so back on topic, where did you get this manipulator thing?"

"Er.. I uh, borrowed it from the Doctor," Draco mumbled.

" _Dracooooo….."_ Harry groaned, "what have I told you about borrowing things from people WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE?"

Draco looking supremely unconcerned as he twisted the manipulator about replied, "that it's stealing, but I really am going to give it back, besides it was broken, he's not likely to miss it for a while. Now, how do you think we go about testing it?" he asked rhetorically as his fingers danced over the controls.

"No, no, don't!" Harry cried just as Draco pushed the blue button.

* * *

Harry opened his eyes and blinked, it was night time wherever they were, he started to feel around for his wand, "Draco," he whispered, "Draco are you here?"

"Of course I am, Harry, where else would I be?" snarked Draco. Harry rolled his eyes and sighed when he found his wand in his back pocket, he froze when he heard a groaning sound. "Oh stop complaining, Harry," Draco told him.

"It wasn't me Dray," whispered Harry, " _lumos_ ," Harry's wand lit the area around them. He quickly scooted backwards into Draco when he saw the source of the groans, it was a half a rotting corpse that was trying to drag itself towards them, "Merlins balls!" Harry yelled. Draco peering around Harry to see what he was staring at, let out a yelp at the grotesque sight. Harry aimed his wand and shot a bombarda jinx at the beings head. It immediately splattered them both with blood and gore. Harry glared at Draco when he made to whine about the mess in his hair and stood up. He cast a few cleaning spells which got rid of the mess and did the same for Draco, giving Draco the evil eye the whole time. "Fucking Inferi Draco, seriously?"

"Hey! Don't shout at me!" Draco shouted back, "it's not like I knew where we were going!"

"Exactly! Because you've gone and gotten us into _another_ situation because you didn't bloody well _stop_ and _think_!" Harry bellowed, "and I'll shout at you because it _MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!_ "

They scowled at each other when they heard a cocking of guns, Harry at least recognised the sound and spun around wand in hand, to see four men aiming their weapons at him. "For fucks _sake,_ Draco!"

"You can't blame me for this," Draco sniped, "you were the one who yelled and got their attention, hello there, why are you pointing those things at us?"

"They're guns Draco, shut up and do what they say for a minute would you?" Harry hissed, trying to decide what spell would work best in this situation.

One of the men stepped forward, "come with us, we're taking you to our leader."

"Oh lovely," drawled Draco, "and pray tell, what is his name?"

"Negan," replied another man, "now move."

* * *

Daryl watched as two men were brought into the circle by gunpoint, they had all heard the yelling a few minutes ago and Negan, had broken off in his speech to send some men to investigate. One of the men had messy-black hair and wire-rimmed glasses, he wore tight-fitting jeans, shirt and some type of leather jacket. The other was a silvered blonde dressed in a white dress shirt and business slacks. They were the cleanest looking people Daryl had seen in years, though the blonde had a piece of walker behind one ear.

"Well, well, well," Negan said with a smile, Daryl spat on the ground behind him, "what do we have here? Two more recruits?"

The raven haired man looked around the campsite and his face twisted into a concerned frown, he exchanged a look with the blonde who huffed out a very put upon sigh. "I might get us into these things, Harry, but you can't deny that you enjoy yourself."

The man who was apparently called Harry looked at the other man with incredulity, "you think I'm enjoying myself?"

"Well you will be in a minute,"

Harry rolled his eyes and looked about to retort, when Negan cut in, "now, now, we don't like fighting here, there are rules."

"Uh, huh," replied Harry sarcastically, "which is why your men have guns and you have a baseball bat wrapped in wire, because you don't like fighting."

"Lucille?" asked Negan, "naw she's a peacekeeper she is, and a law enforcer," Negan finished with a threatening smile.

"Well, that's funny," said the blonde, "Harry here's a Saviour," Daryl's eyes narrowed, that's what this group of people called themselves.

"Huh, that is funny, he don't seem familiar," Negan replied, tapping his bat against his chin.

"Explain," said the blonde in a haughty tone.

"Why that's what we are, we save people. From the walkers, from starvation, from disobedience," Negan said with a smile.

Draco cocked his head, "walkers?" as the blonde spoke, Daryl was aware of Rick trying to get his attention, but his gaze was locked on the dark haired man. Harry, had been waving the stick that was in his hand around. Making odd little movements and sometimes his lips moved. Was he crazy or something? Was the blonde distracting Negan from that weakness?

Everyone looked at the blonde man then, in joint disbelief, "yeah walkers, where have you been these last few years? Under a rock?" Negan asked with a little laugh, frowning when his followers didn't join him.

Harry elbowed the blonde and they exchanged another look, it seemed to Daryl that these two must have been around each other for a long time to be able to have silent conversations. He rubbed his wrists against the rope trying to loosen it a little. Harry looked directly at him and jerked his head to the side, a clear indication to Daryl for him to stop. Daryl squinted his eyes a little at the man, but did so, wondering what he had in mind. Harry looked back at his companion, "he means the Inferi, Draco."

"Oh," replied Draco, "then why didn't he just say so?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "since when did you get this naïve Draco? Did you take an ill brewed wit strengthening potion or something? THEY. ARE. MUGGLES."

"No I didn't Potter," Draco said irritably, "but I do know that Muggles use the same terms as us for creatures."

"Not this time," Harry replied, "though usually they call them zombies."

Draco snorted, "zombies, that's weird." Harry gave him a half smile.

Negan who was sick of being ignored walked closer and rested his bat on Draco's shirt, "as nice as all this chit-chat is, you boys don't seem to understand the trouble you're in."

Draco daintily picked up the bat by his fingertips and moved it off his shoulder, "don't touch me you filthy muggle."

"Dracooo,"

"What? It's a technically correct statement, look at the man Harry, in fact look at all of them. They could all do with a bath, or several."

Negan suddenly raised his bat high and went to strike Draco, Daryl lurched forward, to try and stop it. He saw Glenn do the same across the clearing, out of the corners of his eyes he saw Rick and Abraham had grim sets to their faces. But everyone gasped when Harry held up his stick and suddenly Negan was frozen in place, one foot forward and the bat over one shoulder, not moving.

"Well, you certainly took you time, didn't you?" snipped Draco.

"Oh don't whinge, I had to make sure the rest of them got hit first," Harry replied and Draco sighed. Daryl looked around and indeed, the rest of Negan's men were frozen in place. Harry approached Daryl and hunkered down in front of him, "are you going to hit me if I untie you?" he was asked.

Daryl shook his head, "no, sir," the respectful term slipping from his lips before he even thought about it. Harry gave him an amused glance and waved his stick again, Daryl felt the rope fall from around his wrists. Bringing his hands in front of him he rubbed his wrists and stood when Harry did. "So uh, what's with these guys?"

Harry shrugged, "they're frozen, for around the 48hours unless I undo it. Can you tell me what's really going on here?" Harry asked him.

Daryl nodded, "we got caught by these fuckers," he spat, "overpowered us, wanted us to join them and become a part of some fucked up cult."

"Uh huh, and what's with the Inferi? I mean, walkers?"

Daryl's eyebrows rose, "you mean, that wasn't an act? You guys really don't know about the freakin' apocalypse?"

Harry's look darkened as he took in that information and spun around to look at Draco, "fucking ZOMBIE APOCOLYSE DRACO! You better pray to Merlin, Mordred, Morgana, Circe and whoever else is listening up there, because if you can't get us home! So help me, I will hex your arse so badly you'll never be able to sit again!"

Draco gulped as Harry stalked towards him and pulling out the manipulator from his pocket he grabbed Harry's hand and pushed the blue button again.

* * *

AN: So which one is your favourite? Also happy to take requests for these :)


	6. A Cure For Hiccoughs

**TITLE: A CURE FOR HICCOUGHS**

FANDOMS: HP and Merlin

Summary: Draco should really know better by now not to read strange incantations he finds written on things in the House of Black. This time Ron gets to come too and Harry has the hiccoughs.

* * *

Harry was sitting in the sitting room at Grimmauld Place with Ron, they had managed to procure a boys weekend without Hermione, as she was attending a conference in France about the Regulation and Bylaws of Supplementation of the Distribution of Magical Information and Arts or something or other, to be honest neither of them had really paid much attention to what she had said other than that she would be (literally) out of the country for two nights.

They were currently three quarters of the way through a bottle of fire whiskey and were trying see who could make the best smoke shapes. Ron was currently in the lead with a rather life like miniature dragon. "Charlie taught me how!" he said proudly as he watched the little smoke creature prance about the room.

"Yeah, but not very well," Harry hiccoughed, "look you've (hic) messed up his tail."

Ron flapped his hand, "nah it's supposed to be like that."

Harry looked at him bemusedly from behind semi-crooked glasses, "I haven't (hic) heard of a short-tailed (hic) variety, there's the Swedish short-(hic) _snout_ but that's its nose."

Ron shrugged and took another swig from the bottle as Draco wandered into the room, "look at you two, as soon as Granger goes away you to lose all sense of propriety."

"Ah come on, Malfoy, settle down and have a drink with us," Ron said holding out the bottle to Harry's cousin.

Draco looked at the bottle in distaste, "I think I prefer Odgen's thank you." He replied as he summoned a bottle and tumbler as he took a seat.

"Better catch up, (hic) Dray," Harry said, "we're waaaaaaay ahead of you."

"I can tell," Draco said archly, "you're already pissed."

"Am not!" Harry cried, "I've just got the (hic) (hic) blasted hic-hiccoughs!"

Draco remained silent as he sipped on his Odgens, Ron offered the firewhiskey to Harry who promptly took a swig and coughed up smoke. He looked over at Draco to see if he had seen Harry's faux par but the blonde was peering interestedly at the bottle of Ogdens. "What is it Dray? (hic) Not the right vintage?"

Draco rolled his eyes, "vintage is for _wine_ Harry, no, it's just, this certainly isn't Ogdens, even if it has the label and there's just a strange lettering on this bottle. I think its druid or something similar."

"Well for Merlins sake don't (hic) read it, I don't want another one of your (hic) mishaps tonight thank you very (hic) much," Harry nodded drunkenly decisive as he took another swig from the bottle.

"Oh, go on then!" Ron said excitedly, "it'll be fun, I haven't had a good adventure for ages!"

Harry glared at his best mate, "it's not as (hic) fun as you seem to think it is, Ron! Besides, I'd have thought you'd get plenty of excitement at the (hic) joke shop?"

Ron waved him off, "pssssh, it's not the same, it's all jump scare you know? Nothing like getting your heart beating from a good run."

"Then take up (hic) jogging," Harry sniped, "it's (hic) healthier."

"I think I've got it!" Draco said excited whilst Harry was mid-swig, "it says, 'gabh mi chun an tè a tha sinn a 'cumail àrd."

Harry didn't even have time to pull the bottle from his lips as the world warped around them and they were deposited in another time entirely.

* * *

Harry appeared in an opulent bedroom in the exact same position that he had been when he'd been at Grimmauld Place, which is to say in a seated position. But without the chair he fell on to his bum and spilt a decent amount of firewhiskey over himself. Sputtering and wiping his stinging eyes and face he repositioned his glasses and saw that Ron and Draco had shared much the same fate. "Oh for Merlin's _sake_ Draco! Where the bloody hell are we now?" He cried.

Ron was looking around the room in interest as Draco stood and brushed his clothes smooth. All at once they noticed a skinny young man looking at them all aghast. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?"

"Er, bit hard to explain sorry mate," Harry told the man.

"Never mind, just get out, get out, get out. Hurry."

Harry stumbled to his feet and hauled Ron to his, "er why's that? Where are we?" he asked.

" _When_ are we, might be the better question Harry," said Ron as he ran a critical eye over everything.

"I agree with Weasley," chimed in Draco.

The young man was looking at them bewildered when suddenly another man came around the corner, wearing only a tunic shirt, "Merlin, what are you doing? Where are the rest of my clothes and… who are these people?" He said angrily as he took in the sudden appearance of the three strangers.

"Ah, cleaners!" cried Merlin, "they are here to clean, came a bit early though, they thought your rooms would be empty by now."

"Well, they would be empty if you were competent enough to get me my pants," retorted the blonde man. He squinted at the trio, "are you sure they're cleaners? That one looks drunk," he said pointing at Harry.

"Oi! I'm not (hic) drunk! I just have the hiccoughs!" Harry replied.

The blonde man's eyebrows rose, and the other man made shushing motions behind him as he strode forward. "Do you know who you're addressing?" he demanded.

"Do you?" retorted Harry, he'd always hated bigotry.

The man looked startled at the retort and looked back at the one he had called Merlin, who spoke up. "You're addressing King Arthur Pendragon of Camelot."

Harry and Draco went slack-jawed, whilst Ron swore loudly, "Merlin's beard!"

Now it was Arthur and Merlin who looked confused, Arthur looked back at his companion and said in confused aggravation, "you don't have a beard." Merlin just shrugged his shoulders and held up his hands to show he didn't know what they were talking about.

The trio were exchanging glances of shock and wonderment and Harry's hiccoughs had finally subsided. "You mean you're really? You're not yanking my wand? And then that means.." Draco said, and they all looked at Merlin with awe in their eyes and on their faces. Harry's bottle of firewhiskey slipped from his grasp to shatter at his feet.

Arthur looked confused, "why are they looking at you like that? What's going on?"

"In the name of Merlin's most saggy y fronts…" Harry breathed, to which he then giggled, "oh _Merlin,_ " to which he laughed harder, tears starting to stream from his eyes. Draco lips twitched and Ron held back a chuckle.

Suddenly there was a sword at Harry's throat, "Who are you? How did you get in here?" Arthur commanded, a hard look on his face.

"Er, Malfoy? Can you turn that bottle over now?" Ron said as the sword point rested on Harry's adam's apple.

Draco hurriedly turned the bottle over to see if there was another incantation, "yes there is!" as if that was the cue they all spun towards the door and rushed out of it, slamming it behind them, they rounded a corner and Draco huffed out the spell. "Gluais mi tro thìde, air ais dhachaigh," he said and the corridor swirled around them again.

* * *

"Where did they go?" demanded Arthur angrily.

"I don't know sire," replied Merlin, secretly glad that whoever they were hadn't exposed their magic to Arthur.

Arhtur huffed, "it's your fault we lost them."

"My fault?" asked Merlin incredulous, "how is it my fault?"

"If I'd been fully dressed when they arrived I could have followed after them right away! Instead I had to wait for you to get my clothes. And now they're probably long gone." Arthur reasoned as they stalked through the halls.

"Yes, well, if I hadn't been so busy trying to put another hole in your belt, you would have had your pants on earlier," Merlin muttered.

Arthur came to an abrupt halt, "what was that?"

"What was what?" Merlin asked innocently.

"Did you just call me fat?" asked Arthur.

"No, of course not, Sire," replied Merlin pretending shock.

Arthur gave him a considering look, "good, because I'm not fat."

"As you say, Sire," Merlin said cheekily as the started walking again.

"Merlin?"

"Yes, Sire?"

"Shut up."

* * *

Harry, Ron and Draco stumbled into the sitting room at Grimmauld, took one look at each other and started laughing. "I can't believe we met King Arthur and Merlin!" cried Harry.

"I know how amazing was that?" agreed Ron.

"and Arthur wasn't wearing pants!" Draco sniggered.

Using the rest of the bottle of not Ogdens they quieted their nerves and eventually stopped spontaneously laughing. They were sitting quietly when Ron spoke, "Mione's never going to believe this," he said.

Draco who had the bottle held it up, "well that's okay because we have proof! We can take her back, maybe next time we'll meet Queen Guinevere or Morgana!"

Harry quickly summoned the bottle from Draco, "oh no! no, no, no. I got held at sword point! King Arthur nearly beheaded me! Kreacher!"

The house-elf popped up beside Harry, "Kreacher, I want you to hide this somewhere we can't find it okay?"

"Yes Master Harry," Kreacher said taking the bottle and disappearing.

"Harry…." Draco whined.

"Nope, it's too dangerous," Harry replied, "I don't want to responsible for messing up the wizarding world as we know it, do you?"

"That's not what I was complaining about, you made Kreacher hide the rest of the scotch you git!" Draco said.

"Oh," said Harry just realising this, "KREACHER!"

* * *

 **Google Translate gave me these:**

 **gabh mi chun an tè a tha sinn a 'cumail àrd – take me to the one we hold on high**

 **Gluais mi tro thìde, air ais dhachaigh – move me through time, take me** home

* * *

Reviews **are love! let me know what you think? Also happy to take requests if you have a fandom or scenario in mind! :D**


	7. In Just a Towel

**TITLE: IN JUST A TOWEL**

FANDOMS: HP and Percy Jackson

Summary: Draco's done it again, but this time Harry is really not impressed as he's traipsing through the woods in just a towel...

* * *

Harry had just stepped out of the shower and onto the bath mat, reaching for his towel he quickly dried his upper half before wrapping it around his waist. He grabbed his glasses and pushed them up his nose. He was about to reach for his wand when he felt a pulling sensation from behind his navel, "what the?" he managed to say before he was pulled out of his bathroom.

* * *

Harry landed on his arse in a forest, looking around he spotted his increasingly annoying cousin. "Merlin damn it, Draco, how do you keep managing to get us into these things? I mean, I thought I got rid of everything in the House that could potentially take us anywhere." Harry griped at the blonde.

"Aha! I _knew_ you'd been getting rid of stuff!" Draco crowed triumphantly.

"Yes, well, can you blame me?" Harry asked angrily as he stood up,"I mean _this_ time you didn't even think to see if I was decent! Before you what? What did you find anyway?" demanded Harry as he adjusted the towel around his waist. At least he hadn't actually been _in_ the shower when Draco did whatever he had done.

"I was just going through some of the cabinets, you know _cleaning_ like you asked me to." Draco wrinkled his nose in disgust, "so really it's your fault."

"Uh huh, care to run that by me later when I have my wand?" Harry said menacingly, well as menacingly as he could while his hands were fisted in a towel.

"Anyway," said Draco hastily, "I found this necklace!" He said holding up a piece of string with various hand-carved wooden beads on it. "I picked it up and it transported us here. As best as I can tell without testing it, I believe it had some sort of blood-based portkey spell attached. It's probably gone a bit wonky with age."

"Wonky? Noooo… surely not," Harry objected sarcastically. Draco wisely decided not to reply. The walked in silence for a bit before Harry stopped, sensing something. "There are wards up ahead," he told the Slytherin.

"Oh thank Merlin!" cried Draco, "civilisation!" Harry rolled his eyes at the blonde and just followed him, trying to step on the softer patches of grass instead of the twigs that littered the ground.

A cry of "HALT!" suddenly came through the air and an arrow whizzed towards them.

Draco squealed and Harry ducked out of the way, glaring angrily at his cousin, "if we die Draco, I'm going to haunt your sorry arse."

Draco gulped and pointed at the two approaching figures, one of which appeared to be a cyclops. "Er, Draco, I didn't think Cyclops were actually real?" Harry muttered.

"Of course they are Harry," Draco whispered back, "they're just, well the friendly ones at least, not usually seen above sea level."

"If we don't make it home in time for me to get to Sunnydale.."

"Yes, I know you'll haunt my arse."

Harry shook his head, "no, I'll do much worse, I'll set Fred and George loose on your beauty products."

Draco looked at him horrified, "you wouldn't!"

"Try me," Harry set, jaw set as the two figures finally reached them.

"Who are you?" The girl with the bow demanded.

Harry adjusted his grip and grabbing Draco by the back of the neck pulled them both into a deep bow, "I'm Lord Harry James Potter-Black, this is Draco Black. Very sorry to intrude, but we are a bit lost you see."

"More than a bit lost I wager," she said, "that accent isn't from around here."

"We're from England," Harry said amiably straightening up. Hoping she'd take pity on them, well him, being in a towel.

The girl nodded, "where are your clothes?" she asked, not unreasonably.

"Ah, well you see, this prat," Harry said slapping Draco lightly on the head, "decided to drag me out of the house like this, bit of an odd story I'm afraid, if you could just point us in the direction of the nearest town, we'd be most grateful."

Draco was glaring at Harry for the slap but wisely decided not to say anything.

"We should take them to Percy," the cyclops said to the girl. "He'll help them, besides Lord Harry looks the same size as Percy, maybe he can borrow some clothes."

She sighed and lowered her bow, "Alright, come with us. The camp directors are out at the moment, Tyson's right, Percy'll have some clothes that will fit you at least."

The cyclops, who was apparently Tyson, grinned and beckoned for them to follow him. The girl walked behind them, though Harry noted that she didn't take her second arrow off the bow.

* * *

Percy opened the door to his cabin with a scowl after the third round of intense knocking. Taking in the sight before him, Tyson grinning broadly, two guys, one dressed in a prim suit and the other wearing just a towel, with Annabeth standing behind them, her bow trained on the two unknown guys. Percy just knew he didn't want to deal with this. So he shook his head and said, "Nope, no thank you. No time for Jehovah's witness, try again next year," and with that, he shut the door in their faces.

He completely forgot that this was also Tyson's cabin and that Annabeth had no respect for his privacy. He'd barely made it five steps from the door when it opened and they all came inside.

"Percy, this is Lord Harry Potter-Black and Draco Black. We found them just outside the boundary. Not sure how they found us, seeing as though it's nothing but mountain from that direction." Annabeth told Percy.

Percy's eyebrows had risen at the introduction and his face had grown more concerned since then, "So how did you guys end up in the middle of the woods?"

Harry looked at Draco who shrugged and answered them, "well, seeing as you guys clearly know about magic, what with one-eye here." He said waving an expressive hand at Tyson, "Harry and I are wizards, and we were brought here by this." He told them holding aloft the necklace.

Annabeth snatched it from his hand, "this is a camp half-blood necklace," she said, "an _old_ one."

"Yes, well, a family heirloom," replied Draco taking the necklace back with a disapproving glance at the blonde girl.

"Look, we don't want to bother you guys more than we have to, we only need to know where exactly we are so that we can get home. Though I'd really appreciate a pair of trousers." Harry said hopefully.

Percy gave him another glance before walking over to a chest of drawers and drawing out a pair of sweatpants and a bright orange t-shirt with a logo on the front, "why _are_ you only wearing a towel? What happened to your clothes?" He handed them to Harry as he asked the question.

"Well, I'd just hopped out the shower at home when Draco activated whatever spell is on the necklace. I'm just trying to be thankful he didn't do it a few seconds earlier." Harry replied, taking the clothes with a nod of gratitude. He slipped the sweatpants on underneath his towel as the cabin was quite spacious and there didn't seem to be much privacy available. Shucking the now unneeded towel he pulled the shirt on over his head.

"Ugh," said Draco, "you look like you support the Cannons."

Harry just gave him a look, "if you knew what was good for you, Draco. I'd be keeping my mouth shut. If I'm late for my date with Buffy.." he warned.

Draco mimed zipping his lips. Harry nodded approvingly, turning back to Percy he was about to speak when he was interrupted by Tyson. "You seem very calm about this whole being dropped in the middle of nowhere thing, is that to do with being a wizard?"

Harry shook his head ruefully, "no, it's to do with having a prat for a cousin and housemate. I've lost track of the number of times Draco's managed to get us into some sort of trouble."

Draco squawked indignantly, "it's not _all_ my fault you! Before we graduated you managed to find yourself in a number of dangerous situations all by yourself!"

"Yes, and I rather thought that with the war over, I could have some semblance of a normal, adventureless, _stress-free_ life!" Harry shot back.

"Wouldn't we all," commiserated Percy. Harry looked at him questioningly, "I just got back from the war against the God of Time, and countless adventures before that."

Harry gave him a curious look, "so you've battled an immortal being, how about three-headed dogs?"

"Sure, one guards the entrance to the Underworld, slipped past it a few times."

"Dragons?"

"Met a Hydra."

"Nest of Giant man-eating spiders?"

"Flock of carnivorous sheep?"

"Having leadership thrust upon you?" Percy nodded and Harry gave him a companionable smirk, "I think I'll come back with a bottle of two of firewhisky, I think you and I have some interesting stories to trade."

Percy returned the grin with one of his own, "I look forward to it." He then proceeded to tell Harry and Draco exactly where they were on the US continent and the two were able to apparate home.

* * *

 **AN: Story inspired by 'J a friend'**

 **"Percy Jackson crossover would be cool. - You could make it so that he when he opens the door and sees them, he just goes "No," and shuts it in their face, because Percy is tired of crap happening to him."**


	8. Heard it on the Grapevine

**TITLE: HEARD IT ON TH GRAPEVINE**

FANDOMS: HP and Muggle sayings =D

Summary: Draco spills Harry's secret to Hermione, then proceeds to try and find a new way of gathering gossip.

* * *

Harry was sitting at the kitchen table at Grimmauld Place with Hermione. They had been catching up with each other as Harry had been out of the country quite a lot recently, he had been trying very hard not to tell Hermione about the reason why he was out of town so much these days as he knew she would insist on meeting her and Harry rather liked having this relationship all to himself at the moment. They were just finishing the last of the biscuits Harry had made for this occasion when Draco came home. "I hope you saved some of those for me," he replied as he fell onto the teakettle, pouring himself a generous amount of the tawny liquid.

Harry rolled his eyes and summoned the rest from the cooling rack, "of course I did, I'd never hear the end of it otherwise, would I?"

Draco sniffed haughtily as Hermione smiled behind her teacup, "so Draco, I heard that you've been dragging Harry into trouble again."

Draco gave her his best sardonic look, "and where pray tell, have you heard that?" he asked giving Harry a small glare as he sipped his tea.

"Oh, you know, on the grapevine," Hermione replied, "seriously though, don't you think it's starting to get a bit irresponsible?"

Draco decided to throw Harry to the sharks on this one, "Oh I don't think Harry's complaining about it all that much, seeing as though he met Buffy because of me."

"Buffy?" Hermione asked thoroughly distracted now, "who's Buffy?" she asked Harry pointedly.

When Harry didn't answer right away Draco helpfully chimed in, "she's his _girlfriend_ ," before he started munching happily on a biscuit.

Harry shot him a dirty look, "Thanks, Draco."

"Harry," said Hermione pointedly.

He sighed and stood, quickly rinsing his teacup under the sink he leant back on the counter-top. "I met her a few months ago, that time Draco dragged me to the States to look for the Black family. We've been dating steadily since then, it's been going really well and I _asked_ Draco to keep it quiet as it's fairly new still and I didn't want there to be a big fuss about me dating someone."

"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed, "do you really think I would make a big fuss over this?"

"Not you, the Weasley's maybe," he mumbled, thinking of two female Weasley's in particular.

Hermione's eyebrows knitted together as she realised what he was saying, "well yes, I can see Ginny making a big deal about it and perhaps Molly too. But Molly and the boys would all be happy for you, you know that right?"

Harry nodded, "I'm just not ready for them to know yet, Hermione," he told her.

"Well, can Ron and I at least meet her?" Hermione asked. "You know we wouldn't say anything and I like to meet the girl who has kept your interest."

Harry nodded again and Hermione smiled, "right, well I'd best be getting back to work. Thank you for the catch-up, Harry, we'll organise something soon yes?" He nodded again as she hugged him and bussed him on the cheek. "Draco, I can't believe I'm saying this to you and not Harry, but, stay out of trouble."

Draco mock saluted her as she headed towards the floo, once they heard the tell-tale whoosh of flames he stood up and grabbed Harry's arm. "Right, let's go."

"Go, go where?" Harry asked bewildered as Draco apparated them out of the house.

* * *

They landed in the middle of a vineyard, Harry looking around in puzzlement. Draco stalked over to one of the vines and after pulling his wand out started muttering incantations under his breath as he poked at the plant. "Uh, Draco?" Harry questioned the silvered blonde.

"Shhh, Harry, I'm trying to figure these things out. Unless you know how to make them talk?" He looked at Harry hopefully, before taking in Harry's stunned expression and rolling his eyes.

"Of course you don't, now, do you think that each vine is tied to a separate person? No," he murmured, answering himself, "that would be silly, there surely aren't enough vines in the world for that. There's got to be a way of making them tell you what you want to hear."

"Draco? I don't understand," Harry said, stepping closer to his cousin.

"You heard Granger, 'heard it on the grapevine', Pansy says it now too, ever since she and Granger have started hanging out. I need to know how they do it, I can't be behind on the gossip. I need to find out first."

Harry didn't know whether or not to laugh or cry, so instead, he turned away to look around. Spotting a large building which seemed to be the restaurant, he decided to leave Draco to it for a while. He wasn't harming anyone and it would be a bit of payback for outing him to Hermione. "I'm going up to the main building, perhaps someone there can tell us."

"Excellent idea, Harry, one of your best I'd have to say. Chop, chop, then."

Harry snorted softly and started to walk up the slight incline. He wondered how many glasses he would be able to taste before someone came in complaining of a crazy man talking to the vines.

* * *

AN: again, just something that came to me and needed to be written, hope it brings a smile to your face. XD

Feel free to send me requests, I'll see what I can do! :D


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